Decisions

In my previous post, the journey begins,  I talked about being at a Crossroad and needing to make a decision.  A decision that will change the course of my life. . . forever. Does that sound scary? It is. This was a decision that requires me to dig into the deepest crevices of my being and face the fear that kept me from pursuing my dream . . . to be a published author. Isn’t that every writer’s dream? Of course it is, so why did the thought of it terrify me so? I thought long and hard about it. I came up with several possibilities, and seemingly good excuses, to rationalize why I hadn’t fulfilled my dream. What was even worse. . . was at one point I was so close to it, I could taste it and I walked away. Who in their right mind would ever do that? Me, that’s who! And  was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life.  You see that’s the problem with fear, it’s  causes you to do things  you wouldn’t normally do: like sabotage a conversation with an agent who is interested in your work. That one happened at a writer’s conference. I felt so stupid afterwards I couldn’t even look at her.  You’d  think after a couple major mishaps like that, I’d get my act together, but no.. I crawled back in my shell and stayed there for the next  few years.

After several years of not writing, I was felt depressed, useless and bored. What I needed was a slap of reality and hopefully it wouldn’t hit too hard.  The help I needed came in the most unexpected way and delivered a kind and loving slap of reality which  got me back on track and writing again.  But that was only the beginning.  I had a lot of things  to work out in order to be able to commit myself to writing full time.   One of the most important  things I did was set aside specific days for writing and stick with it.  Some-thing I should have done years ago, but never did!   The next thing I needed to do was to find a quiet place to  write, which is easier said than done.  I see a lot of people in Starbucks drinking coffee and working on their laptops, which is fine if you don’t mind,   people talking, background music, and the sound of nonstop expresso machines.  And it only took once to convince me, it was not the right place for me to work on my book.   So I went to go to the Library instead, found a quiet table by a window and started writing.  My time at the Library was productive. So I  made plans to return next week, thinking it was the perfect place to write. But was it?

Making the decision to write full time, was a huge step and required every ounce of determination I had within me.   As I took those first shaky steps forward, the old tapes in my mind screamed words of failure and defeat.  But, I didn’t listen, instead I  focused my thoughts on the future, knowing that once I crossed that threshold there was no turning back.  The open door before me, was a limited time offer, it was now or never. So, I crossed the threshold into my tomorrows.    What would you with an open door of opportunity into the future?

J. Wallace